Oh my gosh, you will not believe what I did yesterday. Ok, it probably won't be so hard for you to believe, but I still can't believe it.
So, if you'll remember from my last post, I fasted yesterday. Zero-calorie liquids only. And I cannot fast without something carbonated, caffeinated, and full of aspartame (and don't give me any preachy crap about how diet soda is bad for you. I know it's not healthy. I don't care. Three weeks ago I was eating half a dozen donuts and a full bag of Cheetos for lunch without batting an eyelash. I'm not interested in being healthy! Ok, parenthetical rant over). So I had to go to the grocery store to get some soda and energy drinks and vanilla flavored Splenda for coffee. I spent a good hour lying in bed before I left trying to decide if a binge sounded like a good idea. Finally I settled on a bit of a coin-toss: if I looked outside and it wasn't raining, I'd binge. But if it was raining, I'd fast.
Rain.
So I started walking to the store, still having an intensely heated inner dialogue, repeating over and over the reasons not to binge: I'll gain weight and I'm so close to losing the first ten pounds of the year. Boyfriend will know I failed. I'll have to blog about failing. It'll just make it harder to go back to restricting. Weekends are my only opportunity to fast so I should take advantage while I can. It's ok to be hungry. Hunger is just the feeling of fat leaving your body. It'll be worth it on the scale tomorrow if I just don't binge. Come on! Just don't binge!
And the whole time I could only think of one reason to binge: So I can eat. I was so fucking hungry that that one reason had nearly the same weight of influence as all the reasons not to binge.
I got to the store and the inner argument raged on, much more heated this time because I could see all the food around me, suffocating and enticing.
But suddenly, I had an epiphany. I thought "You know what, I clearly don't want to binge. The fact that it's so difficult for me to decide to eat is a clear indicator that I want to fast today." I picked out the rest of the items, paid, and left, nearly skipping with joy. I went to the grocery store, hungry, on a fasting day, and I didn't binge! I overcame! I fucking dominated! Fuck you food, and fuck you stupid hungry body. You just want food cuz you're fat. Haha you don't get any!
200-calorie liquid fast today. Coffee and almond milk mostly, some diet soda, and some vegetable broth. Breaking the fast tomorrow with some soup. I'm trying to do Ana Boot Camp but with the days all out of order so I only have to fast or go below 200 on the weekends.
Speaking of weekends, I'm visiting my brother February 8th and 9th (assuming I don't have to work). In case you don't know, he's in prison. He's been in prison since he was 16 years old and I was 4. Now he's 35. My mom and my other brother and I get to stay overnight every few months in a trailer on the prison grounds. Two bedrooms, one bath, a living room with a TV, DVD player, a game console, and a kitchen. Oh god, the kitchen. For one weekend of feeding three to four people my mom brings and 82-quart cooler packed with food, a cardboard box with chips and cereal and bread etc., and several reusable grocery bags full of junk. It gets ridiculous. On the menu for this coming visit is kimchee burgers, fried banana fritters with vanilla ice cream, and who knows what else. Bison or rattlesnake or alligator. My brother is very curious about exotic foods. So I can safely say I won't be sticking to my liquid fast that weekend, and I highly doubt I'll be able to handle restricting either. It's a bit of a private tradition for me to try to lose as much as possible before the visit (my brother's a bit of a fitness freak and he always likes to say I look "healthier" when he sees I've lost weight), and then binge and secretly purge at least twice during the visit. Sad. I know.
I've lost 11.6 pounds since January 1st! Thank you fasting!
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