Binge-o-phobia

I had another close-call almost-binge yesterday. I was on my lunch break at work (I'm a pharmacy technician at a grocery store) and suddenly I'm wandering through the aisles grabbing stuff off the shelves. I had my arms full of food when I said to myself "You're going to regret this." So I put all the stuff back and ate the lunch I had packed for myself: a small sandwich with reduced-calorie bread, two slices of Tofurkey lunch "meat," and a slice of dairy-free "cheese." 155 calories. When I told Boyfriend this story he said he was proud of me  = )




I think I'm officially afraid of bingeing. Like, I know it's going to happen, and the longer I go on restricting, I feel like I'm just getting closer and closer to the binge. Today is my 13th day in a row restricting/fasting. It's a miracle I've made it this far. I usually can't last more than 5 days. I know I'll have to binge. It's unavoidable. The big horrible question is "when?" When will the hunger become more than I can handle? I'm going to binge one of these days, and then I'm going to purge. I'm mostly terrified that one binge is going to send me into one of my binge-purge cycles and then I'll never lose any weight. The last binge-purge cycle turned into just a binge cycle that left me gaining almost 50 pounds from my high school weight (which wasn't a small number by any means, I just use it as a general marker to measure progress).




Total I had 500 calories yesterday. Tomato soup for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, and 39 Special K cracker chips for dinner. I know, it's ridiculous to have chips for dinner. I've just been craving so much junk food lately.




No weight-loss from yesterday. Bummer. 300 calories today. Hopefully I can make that number move.