I had another close-call almost-binge yesterday. I was on my lunch break at work (I'm a pharmacy technician at a grocery store) and suddenly I'm wandering through the aisles grabbing stuff off the shelves. I had my arms full of food when I said to myself "You're going to regret this." So I put all the stuff back and ate the lunch I had packed for myself: a small sandwich with reduced-calorie bread, two slices of Tofurkey lunch "meat," and a slice of dairy-free "cheese." 155 calories. When I told Boyfriend this story he said he was proud of me = )
I think I'm officially afraid of bingeing. Like, I know it's going to happen, and the longer I go on restricting, I feel like I'm just getting closer and closer to the binge. Today is my 13th day in a row restricting/fasting. It's a miracle I've made it this far. I usually can't last more than 5 days. I know I'll have to binge. It's unavoidable. The big horrible question is "when?" When will the hunger become more than I can handle? I'm going to binge one of these days, and then I'm going to purge. I'm mostly terrified that one binge is going to send me into one of my binge-purge cycles and then I'll never lose any weight. The last binge-purge cycle turned into just a binge cycle that left me gaining almost 50 pounds from my high school weight (which wasn't a small number by any means, I just use it as a general marker to measure progress).
Total I had 500 calories yesterday. Tomato soup for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, and 39 Special K cracker chips for dinner. I know, it's ridiculous to have chips for dinner. I've just been craving so much junk food lately.
No weight-loss from yesterday. Bummer. 300 calories today. Hopefully I can make that number move.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Day 11 in a row eating small or not at all
Oh my gosh, you will not believe what I did yesterday. Ok, it probably won't be so hard for you to believe, but I still can't believe it.
So, if you'll remember from my last post, I fasted yesterday. Zero-calorie liquids only. And I cannot fast without something carbonated, caffeinated, and full of aspartame (and don't give me any preachy crap about how diet soda is bad for you. I know it's not healthy. I don't care. Three weeks ago I was eating half a dozen donuts and a full bag of Cheetos for lunch without batting an eyelash. I'm not interested in being healthy! Ok, parenthetical rant over). So I had to go to the grocery store to get some soda and energy drinks and vanilla flavored Splenda for coffee. I spent a good hour lying in bed before I left trying to decide if a binge sounded like a good idea. Finally I settled on a bit of a coin-toss: if I looked outside and it wasn't raining, I'd binge. But if it was raining, I'd fast.
Rain.
So I started walking to the store, still having an intensely heated inner dialogue, repeating over and over the reasons not to binge: I'll gain weight and I'm so close to losing the first ten pounds of the year. Boyfriend will know I failed. I'll have to blog about failing. It'll just make it harder to go back to restricting. Weekends are my only opportunity to fast so I should take advantage while I can. It's ok to be hungry. Hunger is just the feeling of fat leaving your body. It'll be worth it on the scale tomorrow if I just don't binge. Come on! Just don't binge!
And the whole time I could only think of one reason to binge: So I can eat. I was so fucking hungry that that one reason had nearly the same weight of influence as all the reasons not to binge.
I got to the store and the inner argument raged on, much more heated this time because I could see all the food around me, suffocating and enticing.
But suddenly, I had an epiphany. I thought "You know what, I clearly don't want to binge. The fact that it's so difficult for me to decide to eat is a clear indicator that I want to fast today." I picked out the rest of the items, paid, and left, nearly skipping with joy. I went to the grocery store, hungry, on a fasting day, and I didn't binge! I overcame! I fucking dominated! Fuck you food, and fuck you stupid hungry body. You just want food cuz you're fat. Haha you don't get any!
200-calorie liquid fast today. Coffee and almond milk mostly, some diet soda, and some vegetable broth. Breaking the fast tomorrow with some soup. I'm trying to do Ana Boot Camp but with the days all out of order so I only have to fast or go below 200 on the weekends.
Speaking of weekends, I'm visiting my brother February 8th and 9th (assuming I don't have to work). In case you don't know, he's in prison. He's been in prison since he was 16 years old and I was 4. Now he's 35. My mom and my other brother and I get to stay overnight every few months in a trailer on the prison grounds. Two bedrooms, one bath, a living room with a TV, DVD player, a game console, and a kitchen. Oh god, the kitchen. For one weekend of feeding three to four people my mom brings and 82-quart cooler packed with food, a cardboard box with chips and cereal and bread etc., and several reusable grocery bags full of junk. It gets ridiculous. On the menu for this coming visit is kimchee burgers, fried banana fritters with vanilla ice cream, and who knows what else. Bison or rattlesnake or alligator. My brother is very curious about exotic foods. So I can safely say I won't be sticking to my liquid fast that weekend, and I highly doubt I'll be able to handle restricting either. It's a bit of a private tradition for me to try to lose as much as possible before the visit (my brother's a bit of a fitness freak and he always likes to say I look "healthier" when he sees I've lost weight), and then binge and secretly purge at least twice during the visit. Sad. I know.
I've lost 11.6 pounds since January 1st! Thank you fasting!
So, if you'll remember from my last post, I fasted yesterday. Zero-calorie liquids only. And I cannot fast without something carbonated, caffeinated, and full of aspartame (and don't give me any preachy crap about how diet soda is bad for you. I know it's not healthy. I don't care. Three weeks ago I was eating half a dozen donuts and a full bag of Cheetos for lunch without batting an eyelash. I'm not interested in being healthy! Ok, parenthetical rant over). So I had to go to the grocery store to get some soda and energy drinks and vanilla flavored Splenda for coffee. I spent a good hour lying in bed before I left trying to decide if a binge sounded like a good idea. Finally I settled on a bit of a coin-toss: if I looked outside and it wasn't raining, I'd binge. But if it was raining, I'd fast.
Rain.
So I started walking to the store, still having an intensely heated inner dialogue, repeating over and over the reasons not to binge: I'll gain weight and I'm so close to losing the first ten pounds of the year. Boyfriend will know I failed. I'll have to blog about failing. It'll just make it harder to go back to restricting. Weekends are my only opportunity to fast so I should take advantage while I can. It's ok to be hungry. Hunger is just the feeling of fat leaving your body. It'll be worth it on the scale tomorrow if I just don't binge. Come on! Just don't binge!
And the whole time I could only think of one reason to binge: So I can eat. I was so fucking hungry that that one reason had nearly the same weight of influence as all the reasons not to binge.
I got to the store and the inner argument raged on, much more heated this time because I could see all the food around me, suffocating and enticing.
But suddenly, I had an epiphany. I thought "You know what, I clearly don't want to binge. The fact that it's so difficult for me to decide to eat is a clear indicator that I want to fast today." I picked out the rest of the items, paid, and left, nearly skipping with joy. I went to the grocery store, hungry, on a fasting day, and I didn't binge! I overcame! I fucking dominated! Fuck you food, and fuck you stupid hungry body. You just want food cuz you're fat. Haha you don't get any!
200-calorie liquid fast today. Coffee and almond milk mostly, some diet soda, and some vegetable broth. Breaking the fast tomorrow with some soup. I'm trying to do Ana Boot Camp but with the days all out of order so I only have to fast or go below 200 on the weekends.
Speaking of weekends, I'm visiting my brother February 8th and 9th (assuming I don't have to work). In case you don't know, he's in prison. He's been in prison since he was 16 years old and I was 4. Now he's 35. My mom and my other brother and I get to stay overnight every few months in a trailer on the prison grounds. Two bedrooms, one bath, a living room with a TV, DVD player, a game console, and a kitchen. Oh god, the kitchen. For one weekend of feeding three to four people my mom brings and 82-quart cooler packed with food, a cardboard box with chips and cereal and bread etc., and several reusable grocery bags full of junk. It gets ridiculous. On the menu for this coming visit is kimchee burgers, fried banana fritters with vanilla ice cream, and who knows what else. Bison or rattlesnake or alligator. My brother is very curious about exotic foods. So I can safely say I won't be sticking to my liquid fast that weekend, and I highly doubt I'll be able to handle restricting either. It's a bit of a private tradition for me to try to lose as much as possible before the visit (my brother's a bit of a fitness freak and he always likes to say I look "healthier" when he sees I've lost weight), and then binge and secretly purge at least twice during the visit. Sad. I know.
I've lost 11.6 pounds since January 1st! Thank you fasting!
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Hey Stephanie, your neurosis is showing!
Craziest day ever.
The work-load at the pharmacy has been absolutely insane this week. And today we were down a man. We left behind so much work for the weekend team. The phones would not stop ringing, and 99% of the prescriptions had some kind of insurance issue that needed special attention. And people are just so mean. I don't ever think I've been so disrespected in my life.
I had to stay ultra caffeinated all day to keep my energy up. I had two cups of coffee before work, a Monster energy drink at break, and 24 ounces of coffee at lunch. The moment I went more than 3 hours with out refueling, I crashed and burned. 80% of the way through my day I just took a nose dive. I was almost literally sleep-walking. And then when the work day was over, I cried the whole walk home. The freezing wind dried my tears and soothed my puffy eyes by the time I got home so Boyfriend was none the wiser.
800 calories today. The most I've eaten in nine days. I'm trying out the 2-4-6-8 diet. It seemed like so much food. I had to resort to eating high calorie things. Peanut butter on toast, more nuts shaped into a bar, and a frozen pasta bowl with broccoli, asparagus, and parmesan. My weight has been up and down since I started the diet on Tuesday, but overall I've only lost 0.3 pounds. I expect it will go up after this high-calorie day. Tomorrow's the day to fast. Zero calories. Then 200 calories the next day, but since it's the weekend (and I've sworn off eating on weekends), it'll be 200 calories of liquid. And unfortunately that'll put the next fasting day in the middle of my work week. As one of my store's "top technicians" (hee hee, I've been feeling pretty cocky since my boss called me that), I do need some sustenance to keep up my game. One cannot conduct all the essential responsibilities on caffeine alone. So I don't know what I'm going to do. But I do need a plan. Yes yes yes plan plan plan I'll be completely lost without out a plan and I don't have a plan so I'm lost plan plan plan.
The work-load at the pharmacy has been absolutely insane this week. And today we were down a man. We left behind so much work for the weekend team. The phones would not stop ringing, and 99% of the prescriptions had some kind of insurance issue that needed special attention. And people are just so mean. I don't ever think I've been so disrespected in my life.
I had to stay ultra caffeinated all day to keep my energy up. I had two cups of coffee before work, a Monster energy drink at break, and 24 ounces of coffee at lunch. The moment I went more than 3 hours with out refueling, I crashed and burned. 80% of the way through my day I just took a nose dive. I was almost literally sleep-walking. And then when the work day was over, I cried the whole walk home. The freezing wind dried my tears and soothed my puffy eyes by the time I got home so Boyfriend was none the wiser.
800 calories today. The most I've eaten in nine days. I'm trying out the 2-4-6-8 diet. It seemed like so much food. I had to resort to eating high calorie things. Peanut butter on toast, more nuts shaped into a bar, and a frozen pasta bowl with broccoli, asparagus, and parmesan. My weight has been up and down since I started the diet on Tuesday, but overall I've only lost 0.3 pounds. I expect it will go up after this high-calorie day. Tomorrow's the day to fast. Zero calories. Then 200 calories the next day, but since it's the weekend (and I've sworn off eating on weekends), it'll be 200 calories of liquid. And unfortunately that'll put the next fasting day in the middle of my work week. As one of my store's "top technicians" (hee hee, I've been feeling pretty cocky since my boss called me that), I do need some sustenance to keep up my game. One cannot conduct all the essential responsibilities on caffeine alone. So I don't know what I'm going to do. But I do need a plan. Yes yes yes plan plan plan I'll be completely lost without out a plan and I don't have a plan so I'm lost plan plan plan.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Day Eight
Yesterday was my seventh day in a row eating safe and small (or not at all). I've lost 8.4 pounds since the year started.
I got my first taste of that crazy ravenous hunger yesterday; the kind you feel in your head, not your belly. Good thing I was on the job otherwise I don't think I'd have been able to stop myself. It's such a crazy out-of-control feeling, being beyond all reasoning and rationalizing abilities. I hate it hate it hate it hate it.
The big plan for today:
Breakfast: fat free Greek yogurt
Lunch: a small apple and a small sandwich
Dinner: vegetable soup
Total: 600 calories
I got my first taste of that crazy ravenous hunger yesterday; the kind you feel in your head, not your belly. Good thing I was on the job otherwise I don't think I'd have been able to stop myself. It's such a crazy out-of-control feeling, being beyond all reasoning and rationalizing abilities. I hate it hate it hate it hate it.
The big plan for today:
Breakfast: fat free Greek yogurt
Lunch: a small apple and a small sandwich
Dinner: vegetable soup
Total: 600 calories
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
She Threw Down the Gautlet
I got my first weight-loss compliment of the year! And only one week in. It was from someone at work. She said "You are wasting away! How much weight have you lost?!?" And I was like "Uh, I'm not sure," because I get kind of uncomfortable when people notice my body, and because I actually hadn't tallied it up. Turns out it's 7.7 pounds.
There's these two girls I work with that are the kind who are on perpetual diet-and-exercise regimens that they don't stick to for long. They're both young (at least young-looking) and gorgeous and blond and tan and thin (well one could do with losing 10 or 15 but I think she looks fine now) and always talking about their kids and losing weight. Anyway, I heard one saying last month that today was her "fasting day." And I took it as a challenge. Like a competition. And I have no idea why. I was like "While you're still struggling with those 10 pounds, I'm going to have surpassed my goals a hundred times over." This is all an internal monologue, mind you. I rarely speak at work. Later that day I saw her eating celery sticks and ranch in the break room, so I don't think her fast was going so well. Secret victory for me. I don't get it. I just don't get it. She's pretty, so I see her as competition. I know it doesn't make sense. Just ancient biology.
I had about 700 calories yesterday, which was too high in my opinion, but I did some working out yesterday as well, so I don't feel so bad about it. Had 200 calories today in the form of a small apple, some carrot, some cherry tomatoes, and a vegan Boca patty, with coffee and an energy drink. I'm pleased with that. Quite pleased.
There's these two girls I work with that are the kind who are on perpetual diet-and-exercise regimens that they don't stick to for long. They're both young (at least young-looking) and gorgeous and blond and tan and thin (well one could do with losing 10 or 15 but I think she looks fine now) and always talking about their kids and losing weight. Anyway, I heard one saying last month that today was her "fasting day." And I took it as a challenge. Like a competition. And I have no idea why. I was like "While you're still struggling with those 10 pounds, I'm going to have surpassed my goals a hundred times over." This is all an internal monologue, mind you. I rarely speak at work. Later that day I saw her eating celery sticks and ranch in the break room, so I don't think her fast was going so well. Secret victory for me. I don't get it. I just don't get it. She's pretty, so I see her as competition. I know it doesn't make sense. Just ancient biology.
I had about 700 calories yesterday, which was too high in my opinion, but I did some working out yesterday as well, so I don't feel so bad about it. Had 200 calories today in the form of a small apple, some carrot, some cherry tomatoes, and a vegan Boca patty, with coffee and an energy drink. I'm pleased with that. Quite pleased.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Home Stretch
It's day two of my liquid fast. Being the kind of thing I can only afford to do on the weekend, it'll be ending tomorrow morning. Just a few more hours to go. Trying to keep myself busy. I've been doodling and art journaling all day, watching documentaries on Netflix, having some coffee, some tea, a cup of hot vegetable broth, a diet soda, etc. Doing Google image searches for random topics, mostly art related (and funny cats), and getting infuriated when, for some reason, a picture of food comes up in my search for "digital photography."
Just trying to keep busy and not think about eating.
Any suggestions? BESIDES exercising! I'm grumpy enough as it is. I'll tear my boyfriend's head off if I have to do leg lifts and squats too.
P.S. I know I haven't posted in forever. I deleted all my old posts some time ago, changed my blogger name to my real one. Sometimes things get tough and you want a fresh start---and then you finally BEGIN your fresh start several months later. I've come to accept many truths about myself. I realized that I only lose weight when I become neurotically obsessed so I flipped my crazy switch back on. Lost 6.9 pounds since the new year began. Gunna get skinny!
Any suggestions? BESIDES exercising! I'm grumpy enough as it is. I'll tear my boyfriend's head off if I have to do leg lifts and squats too.
P.S. I know I haven't posted in forever. I deleted all my old posts some time ago, changed my blogger name to my real one. Sometimes things get tough and you want a fresh start---and then you finally BEGIN your fresh start several months later. I've come to accept many truths about myself. I realized that I only lose weight when I become neurotically obsessed so I flipped my crazy switch back on. Lost 6.9 pounds since the new year began. Gunna get skinny!
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